Bert Bell, the commissioner who branded NFL parity with his “On any given Sunday” slogan, surely didn’t mean it like this: The Denver Broncos, winless and disoriented after a 50-point loss last week, are favored to go on the road and beat the Chicago Bears, who also cannot shake an addiction to defeat. That’s a sad kind of unpredictability. On this given Sunday, it would be merciful if the NFL took this game back.

The league won’t, of course, because it could persuade a restless person to attend a traffic-watching party. But Week 4 is a deadbeat doozy. The Minnesota Vikings (0-3) visit the Carolina Panthers (0-3), and that’s just the undercard of futility. The Broncos and Bears are also 0-3, but they’re in a special category of failure. Denver is coming off a historic 70-20 loss in Miami. In front of Taylor Swift and everyone, Chicago trailed the Kansas City Chiefs 41-0 before scoring 10 late points.

To illustrate how awful both teams were, no matchup in NFL history has featured two teams that gave up more than the 111 combined points they allowed in Week 3. They tied this particular record for terrible performance. So they couldn’t even win misery outright.

“Look ... we need a win,” Denver Coach Sean Payton said, and for some reason, the obvious felt like a sermon.

In just three weeks, Denver and Chicago have become spiritually bereft. The Broncos play like they’re awaiting final judgment from Payton, and now the new mastermind in town has extra incentive to make nearly all of them disappear after the season. The Bears play like they don’t have a head coach, and in a few weeks, the overmatched Matt Eberflus may no longer hold the title.

As September began, both seemed to

have good reason to expect competitive, progressive seasons. The Bears finished 3-14 in 2022 and earned the No. 1 overall NFL draft pick, which they traded to Carolina for a sensible bundle of players and assets, jump-starting a solid offseason of roster improvement. With Aaron Rodgers leaving Green Bay and the Vikings unlikely to repeat their good fortune, it was reasonable to consider Chicago capable of doubling their win total. Payton arrived in Denver with a mission to restore Russell Wilson’s stardom, help the offense support a playoff-caliber defense and provide leadership and structure for an underperforming 5-12 team. Improvement was supposed to be a given. The question was whether the Broncos would show incremental growth or vault immediately into playoff contention.

But Sunday, these teams are playing to defy the stigma that they’re already irredeemable. Relief is often a more valuable spoil of victory than competitors are willing to admit, but this matchup presents a most poignant quandary: Avoidance, not opportunity, is the pursuit here. Win, and you’re still a poorly functioning bad team. Lose, and you’re not worth the maligned Soldier Field grass that gets stuck between the players’ cleats.

Normally, a three-game sample is too tiny to draw conclusions. But not even the most level head can resist looking sideways at Chicago and Denver.

The Bears have lost every game by double figures. Their offense averages a league-worst 15.7 points and 250 yards per game, which is near the bottom. Their defense is just as hideous. Opponents have outscored them 106-47, a minus-59 point differential that exceeds Denver’s (-53), even though the Broncos displayed one of the most pitiful efforts ever last week. Before the loss to Kansas City, Bears defensive coordinator Alan Williams resigned abruptly, and ESPN later reported he left after an allegation of “inappropriate activity” drew the attention of the Chicago human resources department. And that’s just the beginning of their problems.

Dating back to last season, Eberflus has lost 13 straight games. Since opening his tenure with a 2-1 record, Eberflus has gone 1-16. Hue Jackson, the Grambling State coach who posted a .205 winning percentage in the NFL, is in his office feeling sorry for Eberflus. And here’s the worst part of all: Justin Fields seems at risk of becoming the latest young and promising quarterback to be buried alive in Chicago’s graveyard of signal callers.

Two weeks ago, while trying to explain why he felt “robotic” on the field, Fields referenced the coaching. He had attempted to be introspective and provide insight into a quarterback’s challenge to balance instinctive play with rehearsed tactics. Instead, his remarks were considered at dig at the coaching staff, and Fields later addressed the media again to clarify.

Then he threw for only 99 yards against the Chiefs. To begin his third season, Fields has completed just 58% of his passes, thrown for more interceptions than touchdowns and recorded a 67.7 passer rating, which is tied with Ryan Tannehill for fourth-worst among qualified quarterbacks.

The Bears traded out of the No. 1 spot in April because they preferred to build around Fields. But if their struggles continue, they’ll be in position to draft over him. Come April, USC quarterback Caleb Williams will be eligible to come to the NFL, and he’s the runaway favorite to be the top pick. In addition, North Carolina’s Drake Maye is projected to go in the top five. As part of the trade package that allowed Carolina to select Bryce Young first overall, the Bears will receive the Panthers’ first-round pick. Based on what we’ve seen so far, it’s safe to expect Chicago will have at least a pair of top 10 picks. There’s a good possibility both selections will be in the top five. It’s not outlandish to think they could end up owning the first two choices.

But if that’s the case, Williams might follow through on his father’s warning and opt to remain at USC instead of running to a bad NFL situation. History cautions that, unless Sid Luckman’s blood is coursing through your veins, it is perilous to aspire to be a superstar QB in Chicago. The Bears should tank at their own risk.

Still, their rock bottom may be more desirable than Denver’s predicament. Chicago GM Ryan Poles has made some questionable decisions, but the Bears are building back after completing a tear down, and they still have salary cap flexibility and enviable draft assets to upgrade their talent quickly. The Broncos are the most suspect team money can buy because Wilson’s seemingly inescapable $245 million contract complicates how creative they can be in altering the team to the specifications of Payton, their new high-dollar obsession.

Wilson has shown some encouraging signs in Payton’s system. He’s currently sixth in passing efficiency, and he’s finding the end zone with regularity again. But the Broncos have a front-running offense. They’ve scored just two touchdowns in the second half. And since the team built a 21-3 lead over the Washington Commanders in Week 2, Denver has been atrocious on defense for the past six-plus quarters.

Payton’s teams are tough and skilled. This one is soft and limited. During the preseason, he talked a lot of smack and humiliated former coach Nathaniel Hackett when he critiqued Hackett’s 2022 work.

“It might have been one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL,” Payton told USA Today. “That’s how bad it was.”

Last week, the word “might” wasn’t necessary to couch the assessment of the job Payton did. It was, without debate, one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the sport. After losing two games by a combined three points, the Broncos quit in Miami. The Dolphins offense was too fast and too many steps ahead of defensive coordinator Vance Joseph’s game plan. The 50-point drubbing will sting until Payton turns the franchise around. For the first time, there are serious doubts about whether he can.

Payton emerged from shame with a sense of humor, sharing stories of texts and messages of support over the past week before joking, “You know, no one passed away. We’ll get through it.”

Misery cannot love this much company.

On this given Sunday, some of the bad has to give. But which team do you trust the most? Or better yet, the least?

You know what? This Blooper Bowl will probably end in a tie.